Today, I realized that I haven’t written in many weeks, and I’m feeling the affect of that.  One thing I have been since birth is a writer. That’s who I am, that’s what I am. Taking that away from me is like sucking the life out of me.  I write just as easily as I breathe.  I’ve been so busy that I haven’t spent any quality and quiet time with myself to do what I was born to do.  Not writing makes me off-kilter (I just love how Sojourner Truth said that!).  However, I have been writing, but not necessarily writing for me.  That’s what has me a little frustrated.

Anyway, because I know Carla, I had to stop and write — for me.  I had several things on my mind, but feel compelled to write about this. And this again, has to do with knowing one’s self.

God has placed in me the platform, or the message of speaking about Purpose.  Many of you have listened to my teleconferences, teleclasses, inspirational podcasts, radio shows, and you’ve read my blog, articles, and other writings. Some of you have also heard me speak at your functions or local engagements.  I do thank those of you who have invited me to other states/cities to speak, and for those who listen to me locally.  You know that the foundation of my message remains the same – knowing your Purpose in life.

I believe that when one doesn’t know their purpose, they find themselves living a life most miserable.  There are a number of factors that lead to not knowing your purpose.  One is simply the realities and harshness of life.  Some are not happy because of circumstances, failures, disappointments, and most of all due to hurt from others.  When this happens, we don’t see our purpose.  Not unless or until a change comes about within us.  See, it is so easy to blame others for our unhappiness. And, it’s also easy to become a bitter person because of the stuff that life has thrown our way, but it is important for us to reach a point where we must stand and say that we will NOT allow those negative things to define us, or our behavior.  It’s simply not acceptable.  It may be a reason, but it isn’t an excuse.

We have to decide that we are going to live fully in our purpose regardless of the details of our past.  We have to make the choice to break through all of that stuff and move ahead.  I heard an extremely powerful and true statement from Rev. Dewayne Pickett who preached a night of our revival last week.  He said, “In order to move to another level, you must be willing to change.”

This morning, God placed on my heart Romans 12:1-2 – from the Amplified Bible:

“I APPEAL to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship.

Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].”

We have to be willing to CHANGE!

We also have to stop picking apart other’s lives in order to make ourselves feel better.  Why is it so difficult to support one another?  Why must we always be so negative?

As I said in the beginning, I’ve always known Carla, even when I didn’t like her.  I didn’t like her because I thought that she was odd, strange, different, in a world of her own, out of the loop, and unlovable.  I thought that no one but my Mama could or would ever love me.  I just didn’t think that I was good enough, or that I was such an atrocity, that no one would ever find merit in me.

Yes, I knew Carla, but I didn’t always know the strength and value that God put in me.  I knew the Lord, but I didn’t know the God in me.  I didn’t know who I was in God.  Therefore, I only knew Carla on the surface and didn’t see the worth in her.  I truly believe that when we realize and know the God in us, then we see our Purpose and we begin to live a true life of purpose.  We no longer have the desire to sabotage ourselves, or others.

Writing is a gift and tool that God placed in me.  That’s why I am not me when I am not using it.  I can’t function off-kilter, and neither can you.

Do you know the God in you?  Do you know who you are in God?  Do you know what purpose He has placed in you to fulfill?  Are you distracted by the circumstances in your life today, and/or those from your past?  Have you allowed your past to shape who you are today?  Are you functioning fully in your purpose and utilizing your gifts?

In the words of my friend Sabriena Williams (author of “Wait on The Lord, I Say Wait”) – “Unwrap your gift and use it!”

Blessings!

Carla Y. Nix

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”  Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Unfortunately, our nation has not fully risen up to that dream.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”  Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

President Barack Obama has definitely lived up to and wears this standard well.

“Robert P. Watson, Ph.D. Coordinator of American Studies
Lynn University”
Email: rwatson@lynn.edu

I am always being asked to grade Obama’s presidency. In place of offering him a grade, I put together a list of his accomplishments thus far. I think you would agree that it is very impressive. His first six months have been even more active than FDRs or LBJs the two standards for such assessments. Yet, there is little media attention given to much of what he has done. Of late, the media is focusing almost exclusively on Obama’s critics, without holding them responsible for the uncivil, unconstructive tone of their disagreements or without holding the previous administration responsible for getting us in such a deep hole. The misinformation and venom that now passes for political reporting and civic debate is beyond description.

As such, there is a need to set the record straight. What most impresses me is the fact that Obama has accomplished so much not from a heavy-handed or top-down approach but from a style that has institutionalized efforts to reach across the aisle, encourage vigorous debate, and utilize town halls and panels of experts in the policy-making process. Beyond the accomplishments, the process is good for democracy and our democratic processes have been battered and bruised in recent years.

Let me know if I missed anything in the list (surely I did).
1. Ordered all federal agencies to undertake a study and make recommendations for ways to cut spending
2. Ordered a review of all federal operations to identify and cut wasteful spending and practices
3. Instituted enforcement for equal pay for women
4. Beginning the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq
5. Families of fallen soldiers have expenses covered to be on hand when the body arrives at Dover AFB
6. Ended media blackout on war casualties; reporting full information
7. Ended media blackout on covering the return of fallen soldiers to Dover AFB; the media is now permitted to do so pending adherence to respectful rules and approval of fallen soldier’s family
8. The White House and federal government are respecting the Freedom of Information Act
9. Instructed all federal agencies to promote openness and transparency as much as possible
10. Limits on lobbyist’s access to the White House
11. Limits on White House aides working for lobbyists after their tenure in the administration
12. Ended the previous stop-loss policy that kept soldiers in Iraq/Afghanistan longer than their enlistment date
13. Phasing out the expensive F-22 war plane and other outdated weapons systems, which weren’t even used or needed in Iraq/Afghanistan
14. Removed restrictions on embryonic stem-cell research
15. Federal support for stem-cell and new biomedical research
16. New federal funding for science and research labs
17. States are permitted to enact federal fuel efficiency standards above federal standards
18. Increased infrastructure spending (roads, bridges, power plants) after years of neglect
19. Funds for high-speed, broadband Internet access to K-12 schools
20. New funds for school construction
21. The prison at Guantanamo Bay is being phased out
22. US Auto industry rescue plan
23. Housing rescue plan
24. $789 billion economic stimulus plan
25. The public can meet with federal housing insurers to refinance (the new plan can be completed in one day) a mortgage if they are having trouble paying
26. US financial and banking rescue plan
27. The secret detention facilities in Eastern Europe and elsewhere are being closed
28. Ended the previous policy; the US now has a no torture policy and is in compliance with the Geneva Convention standards
29. Better body armor is now being provided to our troops
30. The missile defense program is being cut by $1.4 billion in 2010
31. Restarted the nuclear nonproliferation talks and building back up the nuclear inspection infrastructure/protocols
32. Reengaged in the treaties/agreements to protect the Antarctic
33. Reengaged in the agreements/talks on global warming and greenhouse gas emissions
34. Visited more countries and met with more world leaders than any president in his first six months in office
35. Successful release of US captain held by Somali pirates; authorized the SEALS to do their job
36. US Navy increasing patrols off Somali coast
37. Attractive tax write-offs for those who buy hybrid automobiles
38. Cash for clunkers program offers vouchers to trade in fuel inefficient, polluting old cars for new cars; stimulated auto sales
39. Announced plans to purchase fuel efficient American-made fleet for the federal government
40. Expanded the SCHIP program to cover health care for 4 million more children
41. Signed national service legislation; expanded national youth service program
42. Instituted a new policy on Cuba, allowing Cuban families to return home to visit loved ones
43. Ended the previous policy of not regulating and labeling carbon dioxide emissions
44. Expanding vaccination programs
45. Immediate and efficient response to the floods in North Dakota and other natural disasters
46. Closed offshore tax safe havens
47. Negotiated deal with Swiss banks to permit US government to gain access to records of tax evaders and criminals
48. Ended the previous policy of offering tax benefits to corporations who outsource American jobs; the new policy is to promote in-sourcing to bring jobs back
49. Ended the previous practice of protecting credit card companies; in place of it are new consumer protections from credit card industry’s predatory practices
50. Energy producing plants must begin preparing to produce 15% of their energy from renewable sources
51. Lower drug costs for seniors
52. Ended the previous practice of forbidding Medicare from negotiating with drug manufacturers for cheaper drugs; the federal government is now realizing hundreds of millions in savings
53. Increasing pay and benefits for military personnel
54. Improved housing for military personnel
55. Initiating a new policy to promote federal hiring of military spouses
56. Improved conditions at Walter Reed Military Hospital and other military hospitals
57. Increasing student loans
58. Increasing opportunities in AmeriCorps program
59. Sent envoys to Middle East and other parts of the world that had been neglected for years; reengaging in multilateral and bilateral talks and diplomacy
60. Established a new cyber security office
61. Beginning the process of reforming and restructuring the military 20 years after the Cold War to a more modern fighting force; this includes new procurement policies, increasing size of military, new technology and cyber units and operations, etc.
62. Ended previous policy of awarding no-bid defense contracts
63. Ordered a review of hurricane and natural disaster preparedness
64. Established a National Performance Officer charged with saving the federal government money and making federal operations more efficient
65. Students struggling to make college loan payments can have their loans refinanced
66. Improving benefits for veterans
67. Many more press conferences and town halls and much more media access than previous administration
68. Instituted a new focus on mortgage fraud
69. The FDA is now regulating tobacco
70. Ended previous policy of cutting the FDA and circumventing FDA rules
71. Ended previous practice of having White House aides rewrite scientific and environmental rules, regulations, and reports
72. Authorized discussions with North Korea and private mission by Pres. Bill Clinton to secure the release of two Americans held in prisons
73. Authorized discussions with Myanmar and mission by Sen. Jim Web to secure the release of an American held captive
74. Making more loans available to small businesses
75. Established independent commission to make recommendations on slowing the costs of Medicare
76. Appointment of first Latina to the Supreme Court
77. Authorized construction/opening of additional health centers to care for veterans
78. Limited salaries of senior White House aides; cut to $100,000
79. Renewed loan guarantees for Israel
80. Changed the failing/status quo military command in Afghanistan
81. Deployed additional troops to Afghanistan
82. New Afghan War policy that limits aerial bombing and prioritizes aid, development of infrastructure, diplomacy, and good government practices by Afghans
83. Announced the long-term development of a national energy grid with renewable sources and cleaner, efficient energy production
84. Returned money authorized for refurbishment of White House offices and private living quarters
85. Paid for redecoration of White House living quarters out of his own pocket
86. Held first Seder in White House
87. Attempting to reform the nation’s healthcare system which is the most expensive in the world yet leaves almost 50 million without health insurance and millions more under insured
88. Has put the ball in play for comprehensive immigration reform
89. Has announced his intention to push for energy reform
90. Has announced his intention to push for education reform
91. Signed Health Care Reform Bill while fighting the total Republican Party in trying to defeat it. Not 1 Republican voted in favor of Health Care Reform.
Oh, and he built a swing set for the girls outside the Oval Office

91 things accomplished in 1 year.  But you won’t see that on the news.

IT’S ALL IN THE BAG!

My purse is my life! No matter where I am, as long as I have my purse, I feel that I am fine. I carry everything that I need to survive. Some women carry purses that coordinate well with their outfits. Their purses may perfectly match their shoes. It’s their accessory that compliments their entire fashion statement.

I rarely attempt to make a statement with fashion. In fact, I am not very fashion conscious, nor do I have a fashion flair. No fashion sense whatsoever. I don’t even care about name brands (exactly what is a Coach?).

Regarding my purse, some may gawk at how ugly, or plain, it may be. But it doesn’t bother me because it serves its purpose. I’m a practical person and my purse is just like me. It serves a purpose. And so does the contents of my purse. I have to tell you that to some, it may appear that I’m lugging around a bunch of junk. But it’s not junk at all to me. It’s my stuff!

STAYING GROUNDED

So, why do I carry pictures of a blown out tire in my purse? What practical purpose does it serve? Well, the pictures are of my tire. Not just any blown tire. In May 2002, while on vacation, I experienced a very frightening blowout as I drove to St. Louis from New Orleans with my children.   Looking at those pictures simply keeps me grounded. It keeps me humble. It reminds me how blessed I am and it brings me to offer God more gratitude and praise. Every time I come across the pictures, I say, “thank you, Lord!”.

GROUNDED VS. NO CONTROL

These pictures remind me how it is to be out of control……..both literally and figuratively. My tire blew on I-55 North, just outside of St. Louis. I had absolutely no control of my vehicle, nor my own life, or that of my kids. I was totally helpless! It was a horrible feeling, particularly since I am an admitted control freak. I thrive on being in control.

As we zig-zagged across the road, I first thought that we would die. I thought that it was over. I thought that our bodies would soon be splattered all over I-55 on that warm Saturday afternoon.

PASSION FOR LIFE

I wanted to panic, but I couldn’t. I didn’t. Something was “keeping” me. Other than exclaiming, “I’m out of control!”, I did not lose it. I did not freak out. And this was quite a feat for me because I am an extremely emotional person, but like many, I tend to do well under pressure. I shifted into survival mode. I wanted to live. I wanted us all to live. The protective lioness in me just could not accept the idea of my children being killed. I knew that their destiny was not in my hands, and my yelling that I was out of control was an acknowledgment of that fact. It was my calling on God to save us.

Being one who does not easily give up on anything, the lioness quickly roared within me and did the most natural thing ever. That was to reach out of myself and pray! I sighed, “Oh Lord, please help us!”

ANGELS WATCHING OVER ME

Suddenly, and miraculously, just as quickly as that tire blew and I lost control, my hands were mystically and mysteriously guided to navigate my van safely to the side of the road. It really felt as though we were lifted up and carried to safety!  I knew then, just as I know now, without a doubt, that it was God and His angels who spared our lives.

MY LIFE WAS LIKE THAT TIRE

My life at times have been out of control. I’m not perfect, and I’m certain that some time in the future, I still may rear out of control. The pictures remind me of that. The pictures tell me that I can still reach out of myself and cry out to God, “Oh Lord, please help me!” and anytime, for any reason.  And He does, and He will.

Have you ever felt out of control? I’m not talking about a blown out tire, but in your life? See, for me, the pictures of my blown out tire can easily be replaced with a picture of me weighing close to 300 pounds! OUT OF CONTROL! I’ve lost a good bit of that weight over the last 2 years, and though I’m not where I want to be……yet……I know that for most of my life, I’ve been OUT OF CONTROL!

Those pictures can be replaced with a snapshot of all of the years of my life that were wasted by me not knowing who I was, nor what I was born to do. Of me not fulfilling my mission. My assignment. We all have a purpose, you know. We all should be on our missions. We all should be completing our assignments.

I can add in the time in my life when my husband and I separated in our marriage. Our lives were OUT OF CONTROL!  I must also throw in there the pictures from our devastating losses due to Hurricane Katrina.  Total loss of control. If that wasn’t enough, we lost the home that we purchased after Katrina.  All of these experiences gripped me with depression.

I’m so thankful that God never left us through any of it.  In fact, He restored everything.  Our marriage, our individual lives, and even the home we lost. He’s returning us back to it.

WHEN WE LOSE CONTROL

When we lose control, we are not at our best. We feel miserable. Nobody’s happy being out of control. No one enjoys it. There may be quick thrills, a rush of excitement, a hint of instant gratification. But what about after the rush?  The let down can be quite devastating. Once reality sets in, the truth can slap you fiercely.

When our lives are out of control, we not only hurt ourselves, but others around us. And that’s usually the people who love us.

“OH LORD, HELP ME!”

Don’t you think that it’s time for you to face the fact that there are some areas in your life that you would like to bring under control? It’s time to reach out of yourself, and reach up. Call on the Lord to help you. Believe it or not, the quickest way to gain control is to realize that you must relinquish control. Sounds crazy, huh? But it’s true. We have to realize, just as I did, that it’s out of our hands. We can’t do it on our own. No matter how much you try. No matter how confident you are in yourself. No matter how much knowledge and intelligence you may have. The bottom line is that we need God, who has ALL power, to enable and empower us to navigate our lives smoothly. We can’t do that when we fail to look to Him for our strength and guidance. When we depend solely on ourselves, we will continually steer out of control.

I’m waiting…

Being patient as I do so.  Trusting God that on the other side of the waiting will be the blessing.

Got a little frustrated last night as I sat in on a webinar of an endeavor I’d like to enter. Also frustrated about another endeavor I’d like to enter.  It’s not the programs that frustrate me, it’s the fact that I cannot enter them.  They’re both projects and programs that are right up my alley and things that I like to do.  But I can’t enter them because I am so limited. Ok, point blank – truth be told – I have absolutely no money to do so.  Most everything takes money.

Actually, the cost of the investment is not much, but it is astronomical when you have nothing.  Therein lies the frustration.  I think that people don’t believe me when I say that I don’t have the funding.  Many times I wonder myself how do I function in life when most days I only have dust and a few pennies in my wallet.

God provides all of our needs with the income that comes in. Our needs. We’re blessed, in that we do have our needs met. And even then, it’s a struggle, but He provides.  We do the things we’re supposed to do.  We tithe.  We spend wisely. We take care of our family.

But I am waiting for the day, the opportunity, the opened door, for me to be able to invest in myself and do more. These programs would allow for me to bring an income in as well. But I can’t walk through the door yet. That truly frustrates me.

Even if I were somehow, miraculously, able to scrap up what’s needed, that would mean denying my family of necessities. That would mean no lunch money for my child; no payment of her band instrument; no payment of utilities or rent; no groceries; no medication for myself; no doctors appointment; clothes for growing child; no gas for vehicle; etc.  That’s exactly what it would mean. The bare necessities.

Yes, I’m frustrated, but I continue to keep the hope and faith that God will loosen up the strings.  It’s tight, so tight, and I am tired.  I honored God’s voice and His leading and I trusted that He would provide when I left the traditional work world.  He promised that He would take care of us, and He is. I can’t deny that, and I thank Him for that.  It just hurts when I feel stuck and feel as though I can’t flourish because my wings feel clipped.  I’m so ready to soar!

I’m waiting…

Carla Y. Nix

God was truly in the midst of this and it was His guidance that directed me in every way. He even inspired me to write a little booklet that I gave to all of the participants. Its title is “The Beauty and Benefits of Prayer”.  A simple, easy-to-read, and down-to-earth booklet about prayer. The women were well pleased.

What I am most excited about are the comments made by the attendees.  It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with God (and that was my desire).  I have heard so many remarks on how “spiritual” and “anointed” the program was. The women felt so empowered and encouraged!  I am so very proud of all of the women who participated on program. God gave me the vision of what the program should be like, and I did my best to carry out His instructions.  He also lead me to the people to ask to do certain things.  Everything was thought out very carefully, but prompted by the Lord.

God literally gave me the vision of the event. I saw it, so plainly and clearly in advance.  He’d also given me the number of women who would be attending.  It was a small number, but not small for our church. In fact, we had just as many visitors as we had members.  That number He’d spoken to me was there!  Glory to God.

I am also so thankful and really humbled that so many women who were not my church members came out to support me and the effort.  I am relatively new to this area, but God has allowed me to meet and become associated with some wonderful Christian women.  I am so grateful!

Once again, God has blessed me to experience walking in my purpose.  It is such an exhilarating feeling! A true “high”.  It’s a satisfying feeling that makes me content and happy with doing what I do!  It was a lot of hard work, but I know of no other way of working, especially when it’s something that I love.

I praise God for what He has done and I look forward to doing more.  In fact, the women (as well as the speaker’s husband – who is a preacher) in attendance have told me how they’re looking forward to our NEXT Breakfast. Rev. Wheeler (our speaker’s husband) encouraged me to keep on and to do even more.

Anyway, I am just well pleased with the outcome of our Prayer Breakfast.  To see a few pictures of the event, click here and here.

Blessings!

Carla Y. Nix

In no particular order:

1. One Minute of Praise by Darlene McCarty
2. Leadership Building Blocks by Dawn McCoy
3. My God and Me (Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey) by LaShawnda Jones
4. Blessed Assurance – Success Despite the Odds by Jacquie Lewis-Kemp
5. Between: Getting From Where You Are To Where You Want To Be by Denise Lewis-Christopher

Carla Y. Nix

The class I was teaching is the Pastor’s Bible Study, and he’d asked me to teach last night. In fact, I taught last week, the week before, and a number of times. He calls upon me when he’s not able to be there. I’m honored that he asks and I don’t take the responsibility lightly. The experience last night was quite fulfilling, as God showed me that I was being effective. That truly matters to me. My prayer is always that God would be glorified and that His light shines through me.

The class was very enthusiastic last night. And anyone who teaches or speaks to a group will tell you that they feed from the audience.  That is why, even in sports, the home field advantage is just that – an advantage for the team.  When their crowd is enthusiastic and pulling for them, they ideally feed off of that energy and do well.  We were a team last night.  The greatest thing that came out of that for me is that God revealed some needs of our members.  Now I don’t know if He is leading me to do what I can to meet those needs, but He has opened my eyes to what should be done.

Several of the attendees ultimately shared that they feel unsure, inadequate, embarrassed, afraid, and other negative emotions about themselves when it comes to their faith walk.  They asked questions that I honestly feel they would not have asked if Pastor were teaching. Now I am not putting myself on a pedestal or shooting Pastor down. Quite the contrary. I’m making the point that they felt non-intimidated by me.  I could relate.  I was personable.  Truth be told, we  do sometimes feel intimidated by our Pastors. Not necessarily in a bad way. It’s like you don’t want to share what you feel is dark and not pretty with someone in that authority position.  We often want to show and share only the best about ourselves.  It’s not easy to be transparent and vulnerable with even our Pastors.  Not all of the time.  Not in a general setting.  Not when it’s not an emergency.  Not when we are not begging for prayer or assistance.

It’s almost like a child-parent relationship.  There are just some things you will not and do not tell your Mama or Daddy.  You know they love you.  You know you can tell them anything (at least that’s what we as parents want from our children), but you don’t. Probably because you may feel that they won’t understand, they’ll be disappointed, or they’ll be judgmental.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, it’s just more comfortable to talk to someone else who also cares about you, but makes it easier for you to be completely open with them.

That’s what I represented for the participants last night.  I was able to minister to them and encourage them from a place of being where they are.  I wasn’t preaching AT them, I was talking TO them.  What they also see and get from me is my own transparency and vulnerabilities.  I can relate to them and encourage them because God has allowed me to have an understanding heart.

One of the ladies presented an example and situation that she experiences.  She considers it a lack of understanding and grasping the Word. Yet, she never expressed this before. She said that most of the time she doesn’t understand what is being preached on Sunday morning.  And she doesn’t feel that she knows enough to even discuss with her children.  Yet, she’s been sitting in silence about this.  She said that she feels embarrassed and stupid.  In hearing her cry last night, I believe that she spoke for MANY people in our churches today.  Everyone is not on the same level in the Word and too often preachers speak over us.

I allowed her to share her feelings. Then I believe I automatically went into a coaching mode because I worked with her and asked her what do she think can be done about the matter?  She had the answer. In fact, she was already doing what needs to be done.  But she was insecure about it.  I assured her that as long as she avail herself to the teaching, she would learn.  I encouraged her to speak up and ask questions.  Don’t feel intimidated.  When Pastor teaches, he also welcome questions.  I told her to ASK!  Not to feel ashamed for not knowing something.  If you don’t know, you don’t know, there is no shame in that.

But people do feel ashamed.  This is what God kept speaking to me.  And then I kept feeling that we need to be more approachable and available to the congregation.  I feel the urge to suggest having small groups in order to provide a safe haven for people as we deal with life situations with Biblical and spiritual solutions.

People aren’t getting it, yet they do want to know how to live, do, and be better.   I thank God for allowing me to be a part of the process in helping and touching lives.  It is my prayer that He enable me to do and be even more for others as they take this journey.  Lord knows, it’s in my heart.

Carla Y. Nix

I’ve dabbled a little in genealogy. I remember when I first “found” my grandparents in the Census records/archives at the library. Oh my! When I saw “Papa” (my maternal grandfather), it was as though I could feel him. The first record of him was that of a 19 year old young man, Willie Huston. Now that was interesting, because we knew “Papa’s” real name to be Julius Houston.  I learned that he changed his name about a year after those Census when he moved from New Roads, LA to New Orleans, LA.  Note, the last name is no typo. I’ve been told that the Census (and “the White man”, as older relatives tell me) spelled the name without the “o”. Papa “fixed” it when he changed from Willie to Julius.

Then I looked for my maternal grandmother, Beulah Kirp, but found no record of her because I learned that her “adopted” mother would hide her when the Census takers came around because they were afraid that she would be removed from the home.  She was being raised by a lady I only know as “Mama Had”, who took her in after she was abandoned by her birth mother.  That’s what people used to do. They helped one another. I know that “Mama Had’s” real name was Harriet, but that’s it. I know nothing else of her and could find no records.  It hurts me that I don’t know more of my heritage there on that side of my family. I was able, however, to see my grandfather’s mother listed. Again, I felt such a strong wind of connection. My heart leaped and I felt as though I knew her.  Her name was Olivia. There was no mention of a husband. I know nothing about either Papa’s or Grandma Buelah’s fathers.

I didn’t find much from my father’s side either. However, I saw his parents, John Young and Rosa Brown. John, I believe was born somewhere in Mississippi, but I don’t know where. No record of him until he was in New Orleans. Rosa’s record only show her in the Gretna area of New Orleans (Westbank).  I believe that she also lived with a family. John’s mother’s name was also Olivia. I was so amazed to learn that both of my Great-Grandmothers names were Olivia. Such a beautiful name!

But that is as far back as I’ve been able to learn of my family. Yet, I honor my ancestors and I thank God for them, as I know that I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for them.  I’ll never forget the first time I saw the “slave quarters” or the “row houses” still standing in New Roads, LA. It hit me that MY people lived there! I saw the “big house” of the Master, and then the shacks of their slaves. My people! I cried when I saw it. And I felt as though their spirits were crying out to me.

In June 2009, I wrote a blog documenting my trip to Memphis, TN where we visited the Slave Haven Museum. You can read it by clicking here.  That experience caught me by surprise as I found myself overcome with emotion when I went down into the cellar of a house that hid runaway slaves. It was part of the underground railroad.  I knew all of this from history, but it was something else to experience the place. I honestly FELT the presence and spirits of my people. I felt the pain of the women holding their babies, and in some cases, killing them if they cried in order to keep the entire group safe and undiscovered by “the White man”.

I watched Oprah today and was moved to tears again. Actually, I balled my eyes out as I watched actress Lisa Kudrow as she visited the site of where her Jewish ancestors were brought as they were killed during the Holocaust.  It was explained to her that they were naked and lined up to be shot! I cried as she pictured it in her mind. I cried with her.  She was also shown the written record of a distant relative who was “killed and burned”. Oh how my heart broke!

Then NFL legend Emmit Smith was brought to the place of his ancestors. He was shown where they were buried on a plantation, but the grave sites were over run by trees. The woods! The other side of it was the “White” cemetery, which was well kept and maintained. His heart was broken because he could not visit his relatives’ burial spots.  And then he learned more about his lineage.  Learned of a “mulatto” named Mariah whose father was the “Master”, who was a cruel man. He used his slaves for breeding — like animals!  Oh how I cried with Emmit as he recounted his experience with Oprah.

With Lisa and Emmit, I still felt the spirits of their people crying out.  I am not Jewish, but I can still feel and have compassion and empathy for what the Jewish people have endured.  A lineage of people hated and treated beyond cruelly just because of who they were.  No thought for family by the oppressors. No concern about the children. No feelings whatsoever.  Pure evil!

As Emmit said, it’s as though our people had no closure.  And he spoke about the importance of knowing who he is and bearing the responsibility of honoring them.

I feel the same. Watching the show reawakened what I feel so deeply. Yes, their spirits are crying out to me. Therefore, I must be even more cognizant of my gifts and talents by using them correctly and with purpose. I am responsible for doing well. I must be successful in this life. I must make my people proud.  I cannot live a shameful life.  I cannot run through this life without any regard for the expectations that are on me.  Willie, who was bold enough to change his name for whatever reason (I’ve heard a number of stories as to why), is depending on me to do great things. The two Olivia’s need for me to represent not only my family, but all women well!  Mama Had, who simply stepped up and did what was necessary to raise a child that wasn’t even hers, is calling out to me to press on.

For all of those who were treated less than human, and worse than animals, are looking to me to live a respectable life with dignity and purpose.

Yes, their spirits cry out to me. I hear them loudly and I can no longer shut my ears.

Carla Y. Nix

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LEARNING TO FORGIVE

I must share this terrific story that was sent to me. The author is unknown to me, but the story has some deep truths and it ministered to me greatly:

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One day a while back, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things were not right. He thought about those who had lied about him back when he had a job.

His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated him. He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned to the illness he had that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with anger, resentment and frustration.

Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed: “Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot. I don’t know how. It is not fair Lord. I didn’t deserve these wrongs that were done against me and I shouldn’t have to forgive. As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don’t know how to forgive. My anger is so deep Lord, I fear I may not hear you, but I pray that you teach me to do this one thing I cannot do – Teach me To Forgive.”

As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt.

He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood in the ground. He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them.

He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the man’s tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.

Have you ever told a lie, he asked?

The man answered – yes Lord.

Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?

The man answered yes Lord. And the man sobbed more and more.

Have you ever taken something from work that wasn’t yours, Jesus asked?

And the man answered, yes Lord.

Have you ever sworn, using my Father’s name in vain?

The man, crying now, answered yes Lord.

As Jesus asked many more times, “Have you ever?”

The man’s crying became uncontrollable, for he could only answer yes Lord.

Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other shoulder. He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus. When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before.

Jesus said, I didn’t deserve this either, but I forgive you. It may be hard to see how you’re going to get through something, but when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.

“If God brings you to it – He will bring you through it.”

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Did you find yourself in this story? I did. I never considered myself a person to hold grudges, but you that thing I spoke about earlier……that something that happens to us…….LIFE? Well, it has truly happened to me and I have had to really examine myself lately.

Like the man in the story, I have been hurt deeply, and coming up with the strength or even the mind to forgive just wasn’t happening.

Hurt, anger, betrayal, loss of trust, are all very deep wounds that can actually cause a person to emotionally bleed to death. They zap your energy and takes everything away from you.

So, what does one do? Do you continue to harbor hurt feelings? Intense anger? Do you continue to allow yourself to die inside?

Very recently, as I am learning to deal with a situation, I had to pull myself away from the busy-ness of my life. I had to step out of the drama that was directing my life.

I was so confused and my actions were being ordered by my anger, and not the voice of God. The human side of me wanted to react in a way that I did not like. The spiritual part of me longed to reach out to God for guidance.

So, I sat there, one evening. In the dark. In the quiet. Away from everyone. Just meditating. Focusing. And a song broke out in my heart. The words of the song gave me comfort, clarity, strength. I then knew what I had to do.  I HAD TO PRAY!

The song that came to me was one of my favorites by Yolanda Adams. The words to “Open My Heart” took on new meaning to me. Although I’ve been enjoying the song for the last year, I never truly understood the full meaning.

It’s a beautiful song, sung beautifully by a beautiful lady, with an extraordinary gifted voice. It sounds good. But that day, the words ministered to me and took on a deep meaning.

In the song, Yolanda pours her heart out to the Lord. She asks Him to lead and guide her, not to allow her to continue making the same mistakes. She sings that she needs to talk to Him, particularly since her world seems cloudy.

I found myself in her song. It wasn’t my voice singing, but it was my heart. So, I began to pray and laid everything out to the Lord. I told Him how hurt and angry I was. How disappointed I was. How I was so confused and didn’t know what to do. What to say. I needed Him to guide me, because I didn’t want to make the same mistakes again.

I shared this experience with a close friend, and was told that I am a “remarkable woman” for doing what I did. For pouring my heart and soul out to God like that.

I don’t see myself as being remarkable at all. Just blessed and fortunate that I lived the scripture…..”For when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Cor. 12:10b)

My opened heart to God let me know that I needed to forgive. Many people don’t realize that forgiveness is for the hurt just as much, if not more, as it is for the one who hurt them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you were not wronged. It doesn’t even mean that the person who did the wrong deserves your forgiveness.

But, just like the man in the story I opened with, neither do we deserve God’s forgiveness.

So, since Jesus was willing to step in and take a punishment that He did not deserve just for our forgiveness, why is it so difficult for us to forgive one another?

Forgiveness also releases us from imprisonment. Yes, imprisonment. When we are driven by unforgiveness, then we have become slaves to someone else. We’ve given them full control of us. We allow them to rule us. We give them power over us.

Forgiving them means that you are free!

So forgive, sweet neighbor, and move on. Life is too short and precious to allow the disease of unforgiveness to stifle our lives. Remember, we must live life to its fullest. Life is a gift from God. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!

Blessings,

Carla